Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I should write for Glamour

About a year ago, I purchased a three-year subscription to Glamour magazine. About 11 months ago I realized this was a terrible idea.


As far as women's magazines go, you can do much, much worse than Glamour. They tend to have articles that are at least mildly informative (and my typing that says a lot, since generally people claim to read women's magazines for everything except the articles. They're the opposite of men's magazines in that respect). However, for every article about a woman who saved another woman from sex trafficking or used the recession to follow her dreams of becoming an entrepreneur, there's an article renaming a sex act after a Justin Timberlake song. 

Go on, click the link. But let me warn you, it's one of those things you can't un-read.

So this month, I got my magazine and was a little surprised to see this:

"What to Do With a Naked Man (That You Haven't Thought of Before)." The "haven't thought of before" angle intrigued me, because usually the sex tips are things that you have thought of before, many times, or at the very least, done by accident and didn't realize there was a name for them. Plus, there was a chance that this wasn't specifically about sex. So I read the article.

And, to no one's surprise, it was terrible. Per usual, it was a collection of pseudo-foreplay tips from average guys! Just like your boyfriend! (Maybe it's just my background in science, but it really bothers me when magazines take anecdotes and try to pass them off as legitimate tips. Then again, I suppose "Guaranteed Ways to Please Your Man" reads better than "Guaranteed Ways to Please Josh, 24, Rochester NY") However, in that brief, fleeting moment of optimism when I was flipping through the pages to find the article, I came up with some tips of my own.

And so, without further ado, I offer my revision of "What to Do With a Naked Man."

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 What to Do With a Naked Man (That You May Have Thought of Before, But Seeing it in Print Will Make it Seem More Legitimate)
By Naomi Beck

<Image: An attractive couple, who, despite the article's title, are fully clothed>
  • Play a board game or cards together. This is an especially good idea for couples who have trust issues as it almost completely eliminates the possibility of cheating.
  • Do your spring cleaning. You can't get your clothes dirty if you're not wearing them, so you'll be saving yourself (and the environment!) a load of laundry. Your bodies will probably get extra dirty, though. But don't worry; you can take a shower together when you're done (another opportunity to save the environment!)
  • Fan each other with your hands or small pieces of paper and talk about how you need to buy a better air conditioner.
  • Check each other's bodies for irregularly shaped moles. Chances are your man has a few he's worried about, but he's too afraid to do anything about them (Fact: Guys HATE doctors). Fortunately for you, love is a powerful motivator.
  • Do an aerobics video together in the buff. You know what's an even more powerful motivator than love? Shame.
  • Try visiting a nudist colony. Own your nakedness! Work it! You go, girl! People still say those things, right?
  • Watch porn.
Editor's Note: Naomi Beck is not a sex expert ("sexpert"). But then again, neither was Josh, 24, Rochester NY. 


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Glamour editors, consider this my application. I eagerly await your call.

And also, you're welcome.

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