Saturday, November 14, 2009

Of Bras

I am not a fan of bras. Don't get me wrong, they can do some amazing things to the ol' A-and-a-half cups, but on the whole I find them uncomfortable and unnecessary and awful. And here's the worst part: I'm terrible with the hooks. Can't take them on or off to save my life. I have to flip my bras upside-down and inside-out, do the hooks in front of my body, flip the bra up, scoot it around my chest, and put my arms through the straps. And then at night (afternoon, when I get home from work, who am I kidding) to take it off I do the opposite.

Yes, Internet, I have the same level of bra expertise as the average 16-year-old boy. Except that I get to touch boobs all the time and they are AWESOME.

So yesterday I was at Target on my lunch break and wandered into the intimates area, where I saw a clearance rack full of bras. I try to avoid shopping for bras as much as possible, because 1, see above, and 2, when you're in a stable long-term relationship you can get away with wearing nasty old bras. But some of the old nasty bras I own are literally falling apart, so I decided that I could suck it up and buy some deeply discounted bras on my paid lunch break. Seemed like a best-case scenario.

I pulled a bra of the rack to examine it. Hmmm, no hooks. Must have a clasp on the front. Sure enough, there it was, a round metal one in between the cups. I twisted both sides, assuming it was some sort of elaborate hooking mechanism. Nothing happened. I twisted some more. Still nothing. I grabbed the top and bottom of the clasp and twisted them in opposite directions, thinking maybe it was a screw. The bra remained intact.

Panic and frustration started to set in. "Come on, Naomi," I thought, "you can do this. You are NOT a 16 year old boy!" I grabbed my boob to reassure myself of this fact. Once more I grabbed the bra by the cups, and in a fit of rage, pulled. The bra opened. The clasp, as it turned out, was actually a snap.

A snap. A simple, freaking snap. You guys, I have had breasts for at least a decade now (late bloomer)....why is this the first time I have seen something like this? This is genius! This is...THE BEST BRA I HAVE EVER OWNED.

Oh yes, I bought it. And oh yes, I am wearing it now. And if I didn't want to be wearing it, just give me half a second and - poof - no bra! This will shave close to 10 seconds off my morning routine. That adds up; I wear a bra almost every single day. I may have to go back and buy more. Although, icing on the cake, this bra, this already freaking awesome bra, is REVERSIBLE. Green on one side, white with multicolored stars on the other. It's like I already have two!

Target, I know I say this every time I visit, but you are the best. For real. Thank you for your amazing, comfortable, easy-to-wear, clearance bra. It has changed my life.

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